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Hi. I’m Carolyn. I’m the editor in chief of PERSONAL while the host of y our health advice podcast, Checking In. In this week’s episode, we’re discussing how exactly to date and have now sex when you’re newly down as queer.
Today’s question arises from a 23-year-old listener known as Raven whom states she recently arrived as queer. She really wants to learn how to get going dating ladies. And she’s also interested in learning what she has to learn about sex—how to possess it, just how to be safe.
Raven says that many of her friends are straight, therefore she doesn’t obviously have many individuals to communicate with relating to this material. Meanwhile, she additionally informs us that she’s having severe self-confidence problems. She does not learn how to speak with ladies, which can be really astonishing to her. “I noticed that the amount of self- self- confidence I experienced with speaking with a person ended up being very different towards the degree of confidence I experienced with wanting to talk to a lady,” she claims. “The huge difference had been staggering for me because frequently i am pretty confident. Nevertheless the minute I attempted to speak with a lady, i obtained therefore stressed, i acquired therefore anxious about any of it, i did not understand what to accomplish. And so I just wound up not doing such a thing at all.”
Both among their friends and family and also in popular media, about what sex and love and dating for heterosexual couples might be like at Raven’s age, cisgender heterosexual folks have had many years to learn how to navigate romantic relationships, and likely have tons of examples in their lives. Queer folks don’t have that—which could be actually unsettling.
To simply help Raven out, we first talk to Casey Tanner, a queer sex specialist situated in Chicago. She offers specific, direct, and advice in regards to the logistics right here—safe-sex tips, dating while queer, how exactly to discover ways to have intercourse into the place that is first. On safe sex, she covers a variety of items that Raven should consider, from condoms to cleanliness and security for the fingers. She additionally mentions the point that is important not totally all women have vulvas, and thus Raven might nevertheless have to think of birth prevention and maternity avoidance.
When it comes to last half of your show, I speak to SELF’s December address celebrity Jonathan Van Ness about building self- self- confidence in relationships plus in life. Van Ness is just a memoirist, comedian, podcast host, locks stylist, and another associated with the five movie stars of Queer Eye, on Netflix.
He’s made a title for himself, to some extent, giving advice, and helping people learn how to outwardly show their true internal selves. Van Ness is nonbinary and utilizes the pronouns he, she, and additionally they. He doesn’t date females, he can speak from the perspective of being a queer person who has struggled with confidence issues so he can’t give the type of advice that Tanner covers in her segment—but. Their memoir, within the Top: A natural Journey to Self-Love, papers their experiences in learning to love himself for whom he’s.
So he has lots of great advice for Raven, as well as for someone else who feels insecure in relationships and desires to build-up their confidence—we address plenty of subjects, from shame to resilience to making new friends when you look at the queer community to centering on finding out everything you like and enjoy away from relationships.
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dams apart, there are many overarching takeaways with this episode being helpful for Raven, as well as for anybody whom feels insecure or uncomfortable in love and relationship. Takeaways such as for instance: Offer yourself compassion and grace. Get at your personal rate. Find everything you like and want. Understand you do it that it gets easier the more. And also, comprehend that building self- confidence and feeling more comfortable with your self is really a bumpy, winding road—and that’s okay.
Show Notes
Through the episode, Carolyn recommends reading a novice’s Guide for ‘Straight’ ladies who wish to Act on Queer Feelings, by Rachel Miller for VICE. It’s complete of extremely helpful strategies for anybody who is incredibly a new comer to queer sex and relationship but does not understand where to start.
Casey Tanner, the queer intercourse educator on today’s episode, doles out stellar sex advice (for everybody!)—you can follow her @queersextherapy. It is possible to find out more about Casey’s offerings and upcoming online courses for couples right here.
Jonathan Van Ness is among the movie stars of Netflix’s hit show, Queer Eye. You can easily follow him @jvn, always check away their memoir, within the Top: a natural Journey to Self-Love, or read their recent address profile from PERSONAL here.
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